I should have known something is wrong. Goliath just wasn’t himself lately. He was often late, some things seemed to fully absorb him. He would focus so hard on one thing only that he would just freeze and refuse to answer any question. I kept dismissing the symptoms, thinking it’s just a one time thing. But it wasn’t.
When fever came, I just knew – I needed to do something. It was a weird fever too – it would hit only one part of Goliath’s body, the rest would be normal. But before I was able to do anything, Goliath started rattling. It was no longer just a simple “cough”. It was full blown rattle and even if I tried, I would not be able to ignore it. It sounded like Skrillex’ latest project. Goliath was becoming a dubstep instrument. That was unacceptable. I took him out and stripped him naked. He wasn’t 100% healthy but there was nothing that could explain the symptoms either. I kept looking. And just as I was about to give up… I found it. I thought “this is it, I fixed Goliath.” I brought him home, dressed him fully again. Fever was gone, it seemed like my actions brought Goliath some relief. But he started rattling again. This is when I hit him. I am not proud of it, but it worked in the past plus rattle turned into quiet coughing. So I hit him again. Coughing stopped. Rattle was gone. I won, Goliath was Goliath again.
I mean, maybe you can work on a PC that sounds like a damn techno project, but I can’t. And to the person that thought hiding a PSU fan behind a fkin plastic cover is a good idea – I hope you get a keylogger. Do you know how much dust gathers under that cover? Do you know how many fans are in a PC? I do, I clean them every 6 months at least. Do you know how much dust they gather?? I hope you have a cat, Nameless Pseudo Inventor. A cat with long hair that stick under that cover you thought was a smart solution. Nothing gathers dust better than PSU or a graphic card fan. And if this is why I couldn’t play AC lately, expect some angry mail from me.
And yes, I named my PC Goliath. Usually I’m David. I like this kind of arrangement and I hope it doesn’t change anytime soon.
I kid you not, IT was created as a punishment for all the sins we ever committed. All those fancy IT people who claim they know better than you? Well, explain to me then why I can fix my PC by shouting at it. I dare ya! But little joys – occasionally I manage to get my revenge on IT. For example, I managed to troll Microsoft harder than Elders of the Internet trolled Jen. I’m so pro all your workstations are belong to me. I should be hired by all damn IT companies, because I manage to discover bugs in bugs and I have love and hate relationship with all possible IT departments. Ask Ubisoft, they got a taste of my skills recently. After analyzing my issue for 5 days, very nice IT guy said that they were unable to obtain same results on their machines and they never thought it is possible to get what I got. So I fixed it myself.
Anyway, today I needed some help, this is from a video guide on how to fix the issue:
- To fix your problem click on that shiny icon also known as Start button. It’s pretty, it’s shiny, we will show it to you on a video because it is so hard to find it. 2 minutes of screentime to show you where the Start button is!
- Now go to “Computer” – it is that word that says “Computer” on it, it leads to “Computer”.
- Now go to C:/Windows/System32. Here’s another minute of video showing you how to find a folder on C drive. You would not be able to get past this step without us.
- Now, the most important thing and don’t screw this one up because you will fry your data. This is very important! We will dedicate entire 5 seconds of screen time to show you how to do it. Simply do this:
<superfast slideshow of commands you have no idea where to write in because they missed one stage of the process>
<superfast slideshow of registry>
<everything written in ancient Chinese slang>
- now spit 3 times over your left shoulder, donate blood of a virgin and cry. For next 3 minutes of the video we will be explaining to you how grateful you should be to us for helping you to fix something that – did we mention that already? – can cost you whole system and all data.
So first I am treated like a classic blonde and then, when an actual hard stuff comes in, I am treated like an IT senpai with 10 black belts in ITing. I don’t know how I feel about it. And I mentioned Ubisoft? Ubisoft is a state of mind.
uplay account: sorry, the password you entered is incorrect.
me: you sure? I’m sure it is correct?
uplay: INCORRECT! INCORRECT!
me: *having nightmares of my uplay account turning into a Dalek* well ok then, how about “retrieve password”?
uplay: IN-COR-RECT! IN-COR-RECT! REEEEKT!
me: hmm, did I misspell something?
ubisoft website: Password is correct
me:…but the client said…
ubisoft website: no no, password is correct.
me: ok, let’s restart the client
me:… you little shit. Fine, let’s try restart again.
me: You’re a JarJar of game clients! You’re as successful as Jedi’s resistance and your creators should have done to you what Blizzard made to Titan! Your father is a tamagotchi and your mother works for Apple!
uplay:…that hurt my feelings…still… INCORRECT PASSWORD!
me: I give up, this is ubi, don’t apply logic, think like ubi. Ok, hmm, settings, let’s look at settings. We didn’t change anything but there’s a reload button. Ubi logic: restart may not work, maybe reload will.
uplay: password correct, welcome to uplay! We live to serve you!
me:…This is why nobody likes you. And you stink.
In case anyone wondered why IT makes me want to drink a lot of wine, it’s not just Ubi that makes me go mental:
WordPress: would you like to display your posts?
me: yes, I’d love that.
WP: Check the option to display your posts
WP: I’m sorry, I do not understand it. Would you like to display your posts?
me: …you’re one of them, aren’t you?
WP: Thank you for choosing the option to display your posts. We will not display your posts.
me:… die in fire. Display posts.
WP: No display
me: display posts.
WP: no display
me: DISPLAY FKIN POSTS
WP: Y U NO DISPLAY POSTS?
me: DISPLAY POSTS YOU BASTARD OFFSPRING OF UBISOFT AND A REFRIGERATOR!
WP: displaying posts as requested. Would you like to enable widget in the footer?
WP: displaying widget in the footer.
WP: command unknown. Displaying posts twice in the menu
me: …I’m calm…I’m calm. OK then, display pictures in the posts.
WP: I’ll display your display while disabling your display, also, there is no chance of seeing the size of thumbnails so we will randomly resize them. Is that ok?
me: it’s not ok!
me: NOT OK
me: I’ll start editing the code, I swear. I’ll do it!
WP: Would you look at that. Everything works. Would you like to start again?
WP: Starting again then.
And if you think that swearing is not the best way of fixing software issues, I’ll give you this:
“One of the USB devices has malfunctioned”
No it hasn’t.
“We cannot recognize that device but that printer doesn’t work.”
How do you know it is a printer if you can’t recognize it?
“Printer status not available. Please check power and cable connection”
It is plugged, you spawn of Satan!
“Did you know that our products can connect to your PC also via WiFi?”
I’ll smash you to pieces. Fine, FU, I’ll connect via WiFi.
“Please press WPS button and wait a second. Good. Now press WPS button and wait a second. Now press WPS button and wait a second. We’re sorry, you did not follow the right procedure, please try again!”
How about I’ll punch you? I swear I’ll punch you.
“Warning: low ink levels detected. Printing suspended. Would you like to order resources online?”
Just…just print my stuff, ok? It’s just one page. Please print.
“Our printers have this amazing option, ”Tap&Print’ would you like to try it?”
Yes, yes, I would like to try it.
“Please press WPS button and wait a second.”
Not exactly tap and print, right?
“To use the Tap&Print option, please install our application.”
I have it.
“Would you like to install our application?”
I HAVE IT, YOU TWAT!
“Launch the Mobile Print app, or tap your smart phone against the NFC Tap mark to run the app. Error, we’re sorry, you did not tap your phone against our printer, please try again. Please press WPS button and wait a second.”
I tapped it, multiple times, If I tapped it harder, I would say goodbye to printer or phone. How about I tap you with my fist, you spawn of ugliest creature possible? Your mother was a type writer and your father was Internet Explorer! I swear I’ll take you to the garden, put catnip around you and turn you into a toilet for all cats from the neighborhood. I’ll then take your cartridge out and put cheapest ink possible it in and I’ll watch you suffocate on it. I’ll tap you with a stick because that is how close I’m getting to you if YOU DON’T PRINT MY STUFF RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW!!!11oneone
*flashes all lights* *flashes all lights again* *prints one page and tears it in the process* *prints the page again, no troubles this time*
“Thank you for using Samsung products! Would you like to print another document?”
And you wonder why I’m violent when it comes to my PC. It doesn’t understand that lame IT talk. It perfectly understands threats. And I tested it, multiple times. I got two IT guys to do the “magic” for me. When first got to work on my PC, we discovered RSOD – Red Screen of Death. I knew the blue one, I managed to trigger the black one too, but red? I didn’t even know there is a red version too! I managed to restore the system and IT guy tried again. Guy who knows networks on the Cisco levels, guy who deals with systems for fun, as hobby, guy who sets Raspberry-Pi for fun – lost the battle with my PC. He doesn’t touch it anymore, he refuses to even look at it, claiming it is possessed. True story! I still manage to fix it when it goes ape on me. How? No idea. So I asked second IT guy to check it for me. He claimed it is not possible for my PC to even work. Well, it works pretty fine if you ask me, apart from occasional “hurr durr” moments. Yes, in most cases the problem is between the computer and the chair and I will not say I may not be responsible for some of the issues. BUT at the same time – I managed to find the bugs IT people claimed are not possible and I managed to fix the things that IT people claimed are impossible to fix, using the methods that had no right to work. So yeah…
Now brb, need to have a chat with laundry machine, it keeps stealing my socks. Time to fix it, I have an electric screwdriver and I am not afraid to use it.
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